On March 20th when lockdown happened almost overnight I stopped going to my studio. A sense of numbness descended. My maternal instinct kicked in and my first priority was to keep my family safe, the sense of responsibility was enormous.

It took me back to twelve years prior to this. To the time I was becoming a mother and faced many challenges with my pregnancy, not knowing what would happen to my unborn baby boy, or even to myself.

I was very much numb then too. I can still taste that deep numbness which probably was a gift from my psyche to keep me sane and safe.

I stopped drawing, sketching and even dreaming about my art career all together so when the Covid-19 numbness happened I experienced a deep sense of anxiety in regards to my career, as well as my income going to zero, and not knowing what would happen and how!

This time I couldn’t simply put everything aside. I had bills to pay and commitments to fulfil yet the whole country and the whole world went on pause.

Numbness is a real thing, it is like walking in thick fog. You know you are moving along but you can’t see much and can’t feel much either. You walk slowly one step after the next.

After three weeks of staying home, I ventured out on foot towards my studio. I realised that part of keeping myself healthy was to be able to breathe and I could not breathe without spending time in my sacred space with my pens, inks and brushes. It took me over an hour to get there and once I arrived I felt completely empty and numb. Then I thought what now? My concentration level was low, my mind was jumping around and couldn’t even listen to the radio.

I stared at my face in the mirror. What is going on? what is happening? As if I was urging the image in the mirror to give me answers. I took a piece of scrap paper and started drawing a self-portrait. The easiest option! It does not require any thinking or a pleasant outcome. It is you facing you!

For the past 15 weeks any chance I had to spend in the studio I had done a self-portrait. I truly observed my features. I noticed the changes, the passage of time on my face, the process of ageing. I am a middle-aged woman, not too far from the half-century mark… wow!

Lockdown means no hair salon is open so no hair cut and no colouring, all the grey hair is growing wild too.

Some days I noticed I looked like my mum and other days I looked like my dad. By observing my features I can feel my parents caressing my face.

Some days all I cared about was the tone of my skin and other days I focused on my crazy hair, the tame bits and the wild bits, the dark shades and the grey hairs. By the way, why are the grey hairs so wild? They are rebellious! They’re probably sick and tired of having to behave in a certain way for so long...oh just like myself!

I enjoyed meeting myself again in this way. No judgement and no filter.