The Journey of Being More Present

2023 is set to become a memory and 2024 is on our minds with all sorts of different hopes, dreams, and wishes as well as the continuation of routines. A blank page ready to fill – yet not entirely.

My boldest and most beautiful realisation of 2023 was getting to know about Body-Based Therapy. Initially in the form of Myofascial Release and then The Rosen Method.

At the tender age of 50, I came to realise that I really don’t live fully in my body, instead, I live in my head even though my body is the reality of my life, holding and counting every emotion, every memory and the knowing that the mind dismisses.

Paying attention to my body is bringing me back to me bit by bit like no other therapy I have experienced before.

As many may know I have been on the path of healing for many years and have worked with my body through yoga and different movement therapies but nothing in comparison to what I have been experiencing and learning about recently.

Pain is often how my body tries to communicate with me, often I numb the pain with painkillers, sleep or eating too much or creating fantasies.

This is how I escape reality and retreat into the world that no one knows about but me, I am fully in charge and control. It appears as a safe place to be and to dream, achieve, love and be loved in a way only my own heart knows how; no disappointment no rejection and no misunderstanding.

Yet there is no real connection to real people.

I numb down in this way, this is my strategy.

In July 2023 I experienced a 10/10 pain in my jaw that no painkiller could numb and the conventional medical team at my local surgery was also unhelpful, forcing me to take a very serious drug as an experiment was their only solution. I asked for a referral to see a consultant it was declined.

Luckily through a conversation with a friend who listened carefully to how I described my pain I was introduced to Pieter Maritz a message therapist and a Rosen Method Intern. A journey started for me when I met Pieter. He responded to my inquiry quickly and with much care and compassion, given the fact I was in pain and quite distressed.

His practice was welcoming, beautiful, calm and smelled wonderful. The first thing I noticed about his practice was his absolute presence with himself and me. The care I received was something I had never experienced before and this was due to his unwavering presence. He was ready to meet me where I was and as a therapist held me and walked with me through my pain with no judgement or advice. He walked with me through the fire I was in.

He fully listened to me and showed so much compassion. He never offered any cure or advice in terms of my pain just an invitation to explore the root of the pain and also explaining about facia and how it works (you can read all about it on his website here).

In each session, he gently invites me to be fully present with myself inside my body and let go of the mind chatter. “Let the mind go, tune into your body” he says.

He notices when my mind starts to wander and I’m not present. It fascinates me each and every time.

He often asks me what it takes to allow myself to BE, let go of doing and just BE.

If a question is put forward without an answer, my body will find a way to respond to it.

My body often communicates from a distant memory or an emotion that I have forgotten about, not paid much attention to, or have shut down. This can lead to a space deep in my heart.

My heart has been closed with a thick wall separating the inside from the outside. The safe world of within and the reality of the outside world can often leave me confused and bruised even while I continue to wear a big smile on my face.

At the beginning I couldn’t connect, all I could hear was my heart beating fast, a knowing within me that was not anxiety.

As if it is saying, are you really ready to hear me?

On my way home after each session I would note down words on my mobile... just words, not even full sentences, and over the next few days the sentences would form and a meaning would appear.

A secret communication between my body and my core, the real me.

Bittersweet and at times a bit terrifying for me to face.

It wasn’t easy or comfortable, quite the opposite, to hear my body. It was and still is difficult to stay present with my body, to feel the feelings that have been waiting for me for many, many years. From an early childhood memory to a major heartbreak, to childbirth, to yesterday... how could this be? How come no one ever told me this?

It is powerful and it is real. No guesswork, no doubt and no confusion it is as real as it gets.

Now it’s my choice to face it all or to continue to escape from it. The patterns of behavior, the comfort zone, the mind chatter and all the rest of it.

I realise that I have been living a double life all along. The survival techniques I had learned as a child to survive the revolution and The Islamic Republic of Iran have continued well into my adulthood far, far away from home.

The shock I went through as a little girl when everything changed almost overnight is still present within me.

For me Iran today is my body.

Living a double life has become my strategy it’s how I cope with life.

By creating a wall, I keep the two worlds separate and manage them both with such perfection. The outer world is met by the people in my world. Often I appear kind, calm, collected, in charge and high-functioning.

The inner world belongs to me and only me. It is where I keep my scared and often abandoned inner child safe. I create fantasies of perfect connections that don’t exist but that I crave.

I am in charge of how far my heart longs for someone or something, I daydream to the end of the world and sometimes won’t even come back to reality. My body is on autopilot a lot.

In my fantasy land joy exists in every moment. I am understood and loved, I am not too much or not enough.

I am accepted and celebrated as I am.

In my real life, that joy is sacrificed for the sake of keeping everything calm and in control. Too much and too little can’t exist only the control freak can.

The people pleaser in me has created an impossible model for me to follow. My inner child is not even interested in what people think. We can play and be free in my inner world.

Through working with Pieter I have learned that my biggest critic is my mind. My mind wants to keep me safe and alive yet it can be very harsh and unkind too.

My body has a different take on life.

My body understands the power of NOW, the powerful present moment and what it can bring into my life and everyone else around me.

Escaping my life is what is creating pain to bring me back, in the same way only pain that refuses to be numbed by painkillers can keep you alert to reality.

Healing happens in layers, we are all made of multiple layers like our earth the layers go deep and often getting to the age I am today the bottom layers harden and it’s almost impossible to create a real connection to even myself let alone other human beings.

Joy is like oxygen, the absolute essence of life, it bubbles up and lightens up each layer. Where there is pain there is also a chance for a major connection and love.

Embrace it all.

Allow it and know that healing is a journey too. It never ends but it transforms and metamorphs into different shapes.

Our presence on this earth as human beings is short, only our bodies can fully understand this. The mind wants to be invincible and eternal, it tricks us into believing that we can live a full life only after we have taken care of certain tasks or abolished all risks. It loves to delay LIFE for the sake of survival.

I fully respect my mind as it has saved my presence on this earth several times.

Maybe it’s now as important to explore being present in my body and the moment, too.

A gift to yourself for 2024 could be exploring how Body-based Therapy can help you rediscover more of yourself and start the journey of being more present in your life.

There is no cure, just getting to know yourself better.

Our bodies are wise and often can heal us if we allow it.

Find out more about Pieter and his practice in London UK here and The Rosen Method here.